This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
