i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
