Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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