so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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