Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
is wine microwaveable?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
