onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
