After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
