I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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