I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
