Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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