So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
