so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
