she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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