I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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