I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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