He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
as a side note pls kill me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
