Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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