You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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