mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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