ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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