I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
