I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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