saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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