I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
