it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize