I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sext me about skeletons
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
