i jhust puked up my retainher.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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