Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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