K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
