i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
