I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
