just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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