i just snorted my name. best moment ever
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
