my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
