I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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