it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize