Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
