Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
