party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
