I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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