There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
