if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
