how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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