in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
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