Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
