So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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