I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
