Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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