It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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