I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
