Swine flu. Run for my life!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
