Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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