Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
