I wish I could teleport
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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