"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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