So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
