Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
