I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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