Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
