I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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