did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
